Want a More Meaningful Relationship?

As we move into the New Year, people often try to tackle old problems. If realizing a more meaningful relationship is on your list, here’s something to focus your renewed determination on: a new way to argue.

Yes, I know that doesn’t sound too promising. Arguing doesn’t seem to be the meaningful part of a relationship. We usually associate blame, hurt, and anger with our fights, not meaning and authenticity. However, while a good argument may not leave the participants happy, each partner can feel that he or she was listened to and understood. Being listened to and understood amidst anger, hurt, and blame? Now that’s the foundation for a meaningful relationship.

I remember, when I was very young, getting into a fight over the shape of a cloud in the sky. My friend insisted it was a rabbit, while I knew it was a soda bottle. That’s when I first realized two people can have the exact same experience yet come away with completely different impressions. How often does that happen, especially when two people are angry? I’m sure you’ve also had fights where, despite the volume and intensity of the words exchanged, the real reason why each person is angry remains a mystery to the other.

A good remedy to both these issues is active listening. At its simplest, active listening has three steps. 1) Mirroring – listening to what the other person is saying and repeating it back to them in your own words. 2) Validation – confirming with your partner that their point of view makes sense, that what he or she said is “true” for them and has its own logic. 3) Empathy – sharing that you understand why they might feel the way they do, even if you disagree. Then, after you’ve gone through those three steps, you respond with how you feel. This may take many back and forths, but it has the end result of getting to the truth of the other person’s statement, and letting them know they’ve been heard. The process does not mean that you have to agree with what the other person is saying, just that you hear it, and have made the attempt to “put yourself in their shoes,” however briefly.

When both people adopt this process in their arguing, the quality of a relationship can change dramatically. At the worst times, when it’s most needed, a feeling of mutual respect can be present. Active listening gives both parties insight into the shape of each others’ emotional cloud, and why it’s there. A new sense of understanding forms, providing a stronger foundation for a more meaningful relationship. Once we realize the other person is committed to hearing us, we can relax a little around the intensity of our own arguments.

Now that’s something to work for in the New Year!